My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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