it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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