I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
