I accidentally had phone sex last night
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
