I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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