for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
