I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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