i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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