Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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