I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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