This girl is more easily done than said...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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