I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
