Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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