I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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