FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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