I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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