hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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