Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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