I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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