You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
