My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
