I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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