Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize