Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
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