If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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