im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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