fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
