my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
my poor anus
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
