Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
