I think my fart just growled at me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
