Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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