i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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