Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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