My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
