If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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