If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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