I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
