just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
