that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
