I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
