drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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