You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Princesses don't give blow jobs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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