I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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