The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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