you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
