i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
