I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
