Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
