Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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