I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
